Cantonese traditional weddings are steeped in rich cultural practices and symbolic rituals that are meant to bring good fortune and harmony to the couple’s future. The ceremony typically involves multiple stages, each with its own significance. Aside from the wedding day itself, a very important ritual includes “過大禮” (gwaa3 daai6 lai5), otherwise known as the Formal Betrothal Ceremony. This ritual has been around for centuries, and actually could be traced back to 2000 years ago in the Book of Rites (《禮記》 / lai5 gei3). Since Ancient Chinese times, marriage was considered a significant family event that required a series of rituals symbolizing the union of two families. This led to the practice of “三書六禮” (saam1 syu1 luk6 lai5), or the “Three Letters and Six Rites.”

“過大禮” (gwaa3 daai6 lai5) is just one part of the “Six Rites” (luk6 lai5). Modern urban life is busy, and it’s not always possible to fully recreate the complex rituals of ancient times. However, in Chinese society, “過大禮” (gwaa3 daai6 lai5) is still regarded as the formal procedure for marriage, signifying the official beginning of the engagement between the couple.

Note 1: 過大禮 Formal Betrothal Ceremony is essentially a ritual of the Groom proposing and the Bride’s family accepting

There are various versions of the formal betrothal ceremony, and the actual process can be quite complicated. To simply put it, the groom’s family proposing to the bride’s family, presenting gifts, money, and gold as tokens, and then the bride’s family accepting and signaling that the couple can begin their life together. Understanding this core concept will make the process less daunting and understand how your family traditions may also do things differently as well.

Note 2: 過大禮 should happen two months to two weeks before the wedding!

The formal betrothal ceremony is equivalent to engagement, so it must be performed before the wedding.

It is generally recommended that the couple choose an auspicious time and date (if busy, just pick an auspicious date 好日ho2 jat2 from a traditional lunar calendar 通勝 tung1 sing3) and complete the formal betrothal ceremony approximately two weeks to two months before the wedding.

Below are two versions of the 過大禮 Formal Betrothal Ceremony, one is a more formal procedure that encompasses more traditions, while the other one is a much more simplified version. Use these a reference points in conjunction to the customs that your family has traditionally followed as well.

The main difference between the traditional and simplified versions is the items prepared and the time required for the entire procedure. In traditional rural societies, there was great importance placed on both the items and their symbolism, making the process very elaborate.


Traditional Version of the Formal Betrothal Ceremony

Step 1: Choose an Auspicious Date

The formal betrothal ceremony should be held between 10 to 60 days before the wedding, ideally as early as possible.

Step 2: Prepare Items

Prepare the items for the formal betrothal ceremony, which should be in pairs to symbolize “double happiness.” The list can include up to 20 types of items, totaling over 100 individual pieces.

Step 3: Official Ceremony

During the ceremony, the couple should avoid meeting. The bride should stay in her room or be away. The groom, bride, and their immediate families should also avoid seeing each other.

Step 4: Groom Presents Gifts, Bride’s Family Accepts

After the groom’s gifts arrive at the bride’s home, the gifts are opened by a elder female relative (mother, grandmother, aunt etc.). The bride’s family will then return half of the gifts and exchange blessings.

Step 5: Completion of the Ceremony

Even after the ceremony is completed, the couple should not meet on the same day.

Step 6: Bride’s Family Returns Gifts

After the formal betrothal ceremony, the bride’s family returns gifts to the groom’s family and sends some gifts back.

Simplified Version of the Formal Betrothal Ceremony Procedures

Step 1: Choose an Auspicious Time

Due to busy urban lifestyles, many couples opt to only select an auspicious time (時辰hour) rather than an auspicious date as well.

Step 2: Prepare Sea Delicacies and Pastries

To save time and money, or simply due to lack of availability, reduce the list of items to essential ones only. For example, traditional sea delicacies can be simplified to just including “hair moss” (髮菜 faat3 coi3) as it stands for prosperity (發財). The number of pastries can be replaced with a “cake card” (beng2 kaat1), which is a prepaid coupon at a designated Chinese bakery shop for friends and family to pick up their own wedding pastries. Other items can also be trimmed down, but the betrothal money (聘禮 ping3 lai5 or 禮金 lai5 gam1) is essential.

Step 3: Same-Day Delivery of Gifts

According to tradition, couple are not to meet on the day of the ceremony, but with modern times, this is now no longer always necessarily followed. Alternatively, the groom can also use a red pocket that is the value of all the items required in the 過大禮 Formal Betrothal Ceremony instead of preparing all of the lucky items required in this ritual. This red pocket takes on an auspicious meaning “包羅萬有利 (baau1 lo4 maan6 jau5 lei6 si6)”, which can be loosely translated to “Everything included.” This red pocket will be given to the bride’s parents to complete the 過大禮 ceremony.

嫁喜過大禮禁忌/宜忌 Formal Betrothal Ceremony Dos and Don’ts:

Dos:

  1. Choose auspicious numbers for the betrothal money, such as ending in 88 or 99, or a rounded figure like $2800 or $6800.
  2. Ensure that the quantity of items is in pairs to symbolize “double happiness” (雙喜 soeng1 hei2).
  3. After the ceremony, distribute pastries to friends and family. If distributing, give two pairs; otherwise, just having one pair for the ritual is fine.
  4. Although the betrothal money does not have a fixed rate, it reflects the family’s status and attitude towards this marriage, so it is best for the couple to discuss with both families beforehand to avoid any awkward moments.

Don’ts:

  1. The bride should avoid eating the betrothal pastries (過大禮的喜餅), as they symbolize her own luck!
  2. Avoid fruits with inauspicious homophones in the gift baskets, such as oranges (橙 caan2 sounds too much like “devastating” 慘 caam3), pears (梨 lei2  sounds too much like 離 lei4, which means to separate). Additionally, mangoes (芒果 mong1 gwo2), and bananas (香蕉 hoeng1 ziu1) are also not advised to be included as they are not wedding luck friendly because their names have “亡” and “香”, which are both words related to death!
  3. If the family’s custom involves offering incense on the altar during the betrothal ceremony, do not adjust the incense sticks if they are misplaced, as this could signify remarriage.

Ready to learn all the vocab from this post? Head over to our: Wedding Vocabulary Glossary